My Battles

‘Dear Best Friend’

To Jessica,

There is so much that I wish to tell you. Since your passing I have put all my effort into spreading awareness for the cruel disease that took you away from us. They say that loss  is what really brings people together, which is sadly the truth. Following your death, I have had the pleasure to have met special people from your past, reminiscing over happy memories that we both shared with you.

These above photos were taken during the ceremony of your life, which was beautifully put together as it was: colourful, joyous, beautiful and had an expensive bar tab, just like yourself. I hope I did you proud that day, I kept strong for you, I read my poem for you, I sat with you for our last journey together, I carried you to your resting place and played our final song.

Here is the poem I wrote and spoke to you inside your church ceremony:

“What can I say besides thank you,

Thank you for the memories that we shared,

Thank you for being there showing me you cared.

Thank you for being my drinking buddy making me become a fool,

Thank you for noticing I was, but still telling me I looked cool. 

Thank you for showing me your beautiful smile each day, 

From the top to the bottom you are perfect in every way.

I hope you are looking down watching this and it really make you smile,

That’s my aim as your best friend, even when I’m writing this from millions of miles,

It will be hard for me to never again see your face

But I know deep down, you have entered a happier place.

You got what you wished, your little castle in the sky 

You have gained your wings now you can fly high

Whenever I was in need of help you would always come forth

My saving grace, my angel of the north.

To end this little poem I would just like to say seven more words, powerful no matter how few,

Jessica Cain I love and miss you!”

I received a lot of positive feedback on that day regarding how I composed myself and dealt with the pressure of not letting you down. Everything I did that day was to make you proud, I hope I accomplished that. There was never going to be an easy way to say goodbye, but with the love and support everybody shared that day it gave you the best send off possible.

That is everything we could have wished for. From the service to the wake, the whole day was a real tribute to what an amazing person you are. Arriving to the church alongside you on a beautiful horse and carriage, everybody stopped and paid their respects in the streets to an angel that has fallen.

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This is a saying that I have related to your passing because of the nickname that I gave you during our friendship. Calling you my ‘Angel of the North‘ due to the similarities between the two, resembling the look of an angel, residing from Newcastle and being created in 1998.

I have made multiple visits to the angel with you and now with your family after the passing to pay my respects. For me, visiting the angel is a way for me to remenice happy memories of when I travelled up north to visit you. Becoming a tradition now for every visit, this spectacular structure is a nice way we can trigger happier times and pay tribute to our angel.

Although you may have been taken away from us physically you will always remain with us in spirit, and for other people you will remain apart of them for life in ink. This is because as of this date (21/01/2020) your best friend Rosie and your step-father David has a tattoo tribute for you with your mother and brother looking to do the same in the future.

Your step-father David has a line tattooed on his arm from one of your funeral songs which was ‘Rihanna-Diamonds’. The lyrics ‘Shine bright like a diamond’ also features your full name and birthdate which is beautifully written alongside each other. Rosie who also shared a memory with us at the ‘Angel of the North’ helped influence her to have the statue tattooed on her neck. Although above this statue it includes a halo that resembles your angel spirit inside.

Regardless of how, why or when, you shall remain immortalised in everybody’s hearts and forever stay in our memory. I remember all the happy moments, the tears and sometimes there may be a bit of both. Every little thing helped build a perfect foundation inside our friendship throughout our short but exhilarating journey together.

I always wanted to commemorate our time together, that is why I created a video of all our memories for your 20th birthday. This video was one of your favourite gifts that year and has been used regularly as a healing process since your passing. Especially within your family as they never got to see this outgoing full of life side of you that I was lucky enough to have experienced everyday.

This exact reason is what inspired me to create a new video in memorial of what an incredible one in a billion person that you are. You can view this video by clicking on this link here: Jessica’s memorial video.

Since your passing me and Rosie decided to begin raising money for your family during this time. No family should ever have to go through this pain alone and nobody can ever prepare for such a tragedy. Your family have now become our family and we will do all we can to be there for them. One of them things we contributed towards was creating the GoFundMe page that helped raise an amount of £2,390 currently for your headstone.

Thankfully for the incredible support the campaign received, the media was made aware of your story. This led to your tragic passing not only going national but worldwide. Appearing on the front pages of the Derby Telegraph and Newcastle Chronicle. Alongside this you appeared in online articles for the Sun and Daily Mail. You also featured inside articles in the following countries: Australia, United States, Italy, China, Spain and Sri Lanka.

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Now everybody knows your story, I hope everybody knows about the amazing woman that accompanies it. Each day brings a new challenge for everybody and it never gets easier. Just always be aware that despite how you was taken away from us far too soon, your everlasting impression will always remain indented within our hearts.

Jessica you will always remain as my best friend, now and forever. Thank you for the memories, all the laughs, all the joy and most of all thank you for being there for me whenever I needed you most. You have saved my life on too many occasions I can’t even count and I wish I noticed your hurting and saved you.

All I can do now is aim to make you proud and be strong for everybody who is lost without you. I want to live my life to the fullest and never hold back. Nobody knows if tomorrow will ever come and that is why you need to cherish every moment. Either it be with your family, friends or any loved ones, cherish every single memory because you never know if that will be your final goodbye you share together.

I was lucky enough to have wished you a safe journey back to Newcastle and farewell in Sheffield the last time we saw each other. We hugged and said cya later as we never say goodbye because that would always be final, which is why it saddened me to say my final goodbyes to you at your funeral. With tears flowing down my face writing this, I just wish it never ended like this.

Everything I do from now on I will always have you in my memory with the aim to make you proud. I am finally speaking openly about my mental health battles because of you. This blog was created because of your advice and it has helped my healing process by documenting my journey. It has taken a lot of time for me to get to where I am right now as somebody who can express his emotions so openly. I owe that to you, I will never forget what you taught me and everything you have done for me.

Always remember, ‘don’t cry that it is over, smile because it happened.’ Goodbye Jessica, I will never forget you. I love you.

 

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