Being sexualised because of sexuality

My story is on behalf of all the women who have been or are in same-sex relationships. Remember you are not alone; queer people being objectified because of their sexuality is not a rarity as unfortunately the majority of those in same-sex relationships have been sexualised, largely by men.

It’s 2020 and I think – well, I hope – we’ve established that same-sex couples exist and are valid. I know some of you struggle to accept or are even disgusted by two women kissing, but I also know that you’re the same ones who get excited about lesbian porn. Your perception of queer women is outdated and offensive. You will fantasise about our sexuality by picturing us as porn stars or sex toys, or think we are here to fulfil your dream of a threesome. Well, I’m sorry to break to you, but we aren’t.

Stop getting excited over two women being together. Stop sexualising us. This isn’t something for you to laugh about with the ‘lads’. When you see two women kissing or holding hands, don’t get excited; don’t ogle or jeer at them. 

If you find out a woman has a girlfriend, or two women are together, don’t ask inappropriate questions – more often than not we don’t want a threesome. Breaking news: two women who are together aren’t together for your pleasure. They’re in love – I know, what a strange and unknown concept!

As a bisexual woman myself, I have experienced this sort of behaviour from men on many occasions. Of course, I can only speak about my own experiences, thoughts and feelings on the matter, but I am fully aware that many other queer women have experienced similar things.

Photo by Brian Kyed on Unsplash

My experiences being objectified

Let’s start with the change of attitude when as a woman, you tell a man you have a girlfriend. I remember once I was on a night out with my friend, and a man said something about us “lovely ladies” having boyfriends. At the time, I had a girlfriend, so I corrected him, and he immediately raised his eyebrows in excitement, looking me up and down as if I’d suddenly transformed into the porn star or sex toy he thought we were. When I challenged him, he just said that I was attractive, but as if I was suddenly more attractive than I was a few minutes earlier.

Men: women in same-sex relationships do NOT exist for your excitement or pleasure. We are NOT porn stars or sexual objects. We are simply two human beings in love. Stop sexualising us!

This problem stems from the fact women are hypersexualised in society from a very young age. From what to wear or not to models on magazines made to pose seductively, and the obsession with women looking aesthetically pleasing by being slim and made up etc, we are simply represented as sex objects to fulfil men’s needs.

Living in a male-dominated society where women take a back seat; men always look at us as if our bodies are in their hands. Therefore we must conform and look sexually available: “women are viewed as a sum of body parts, always sexually available, and whose value lies in how sexy they look to boys and men.” Consequently, when it comes to two women in a relationship, men continue to sexualise them and their relationship as if it’s porn and for their pleasure.

Another time I was making my way through a cramped bar full of middle-aged men with my friend and they looked at us like we were lollipops they couldn’t have but wanted desperately. I remember one man trying to dance with me and chat me up. I instantly showed him my lock screen, which was a photo of my girlfriend and I, and I told him who she was. Unfortunately, yet expectedly, he looked as if I’d just told him he could taste the lollipop. “Can we share her?”; “can I have her number?”, he joked, but he also sounded serious? How dare he have the audacity to ask for my girlfriend’s number?! And asking to share her with me? I guess he thought it was threesome time. I was horrified. It felt as if my whole relationship had been invalidated just like that, whereas, if it was my boyfriend on my lock screen, we all know it would’ve been a very different story…

I’m not here to turn your fantasy into reality, but I’m here to give you a piece of it. If you sexualise and objectify women because of their sexuality you are denying that the person has mental abilities and a moral status. Whatever your misogynistic perception of sexuality is, it does not make it true. If you still treat us like sexual objects, then you are disregarding the whole LGBTQ+ community and what we stand for. Equality, acceptance and respect are all things we still need to fight for which sadly can’t be achieved when there are people still out there sexualising us, objectifying us and disregarding who we can and cannot love.

Why sexualisation of queer people needs to stop

The fetishization of queer women also needs to be addressed. The constant stares; the constant excitement. Why are you so obsessed with us? And that’s exactly what it is. Obsession. We’ve been sexualised to the extent it’s become a fetish. Now, fetishizing feet is one thing, but whole ass women is just… weird. We’re just out here living and loving, and you’re literally obsessing over us. Get a life and a porn subscription whilst you’re at it.

This sexualisation and fetishization of women in same-sex relationships really needs to stop. We’re not sex toys; we’re not porn stars, and if you hadn’t realised by now, we aren’t interested in a threesome. Stop staring, stop obsessing and, above all, stop sexualising us! 

An article by Chloë Morgan

Chloë is a recent English graduate from Loughborough University who is currently seeking employment in the journalism industry as a content writer. She is extremely passionate about her voice in a positive way to help others. For work enquiries, her contact email address is and her LinkedIn

Header photo by Jana Sabeth on Unsplash